Almost 25 weeks...

The baby fever has finally started to hit. I see babies everywhere and I want to hold them. I heard a newborn baby crying in the next aisle at Target the other day and it was all I could do not to run over there and pull that little thing right out of his car seat and cuddle him. I am amazed that I didn't spontaneously start lactating. I can't believe that I will have one of those little things in a matter of weeks. 15 to be exact.

This weekend my Mom and I picked out the fabric for Dippe's crib bedding. If she is anything like A. she won't be sleeping in her crib for a while but it is always nice to have the room all set up. What I like best about the bedding is that it has minimal pink. Just pink accents, which are very pale and not over powering. I like pink as a color. In fact, it is one of my favorite colors to wear myself. For some reason, however, I just have issues with the fact that most girls clothes are pink. And most girls bedding is pink. Just like most boys' clothes are blue.
I know there are better things to think about. But it is fun to indulge in tiny little baby clothes with little details like matching shoes and hats. Because babydom is really the only time when you can get away with wearing an ensemble that has a hat, shoes, and outfit all made of the same matching material.

I can't believe that I am only 3 weeks away from the 3rd trimester. Where has the time gone? I have a feeling these next few months are going to go by so fast. This time of year always does for me. Once Christmas and New Year's are over there is a birthday or two every month until June. Needless to say, it is a busy time of year for me.

Next week I will be going in for my GTT. I am half scared I won't pass. With PCOS there is a higher risk of gestational diabetes.

Baby Bean Dippe has been very active lately. She also keeps getting stuck in uncomfortable places and squirming around until she gets herself unstuck. I feel like I want to just reach in and move her out of the way myself because all of her squirming is very uncomfortable. I was reading that already she is starting to run out of room in my uterus, which would explain all the squirming. I hope she does some redecorating because she still has almost 4 more months of occupancy.

Doctor's Appt

I am now 22 weeks 2 days gestation. And I have gained 15 pounds. Stupid cookies.
My appt. went well. Quickest appt I have had since I found out I was pregnant. I didn't have to wait the customary 15-20 minutes before I got into the exam room, which was a nice surprise. The Dr. has gotten a new assistant and she was very nice.
The doctor himself was very nice as well..his bedside manner has improved greatly. The only problem was that he had a gigantic booger hanging out of his nose. I was so distracted by it that I could barely pay attention to what he said the whole time he was talking to me. I kept trying to avoid looking at it, but my eyes would drift down and then I would get grossed out and look away. Yes, I know I should've said something but I don't know the guy very well and am a chicken shit. If it had been a friend I would've. I feel bad now. Hopefully his assistant noticed and helped him out.
Anyway, my ultrasound results were in as well as the AFP results. Everything was normal, which is wonderful. Next is my GTT in 3-4 weeks and then it is cruising like a bloated viking ship towards delivering this little girl. Hopefully I make it through the holidays without packing on any more pounds. I think I am doing okay compared to Angus, though. I couldn't wear my wedding rings by this time in his pregnancy.
You may be thinking, "Why is she so obsessed with her weight gain?" Well, because I realized how stupid I was in my pregnancy with Angus by eating like a fiend and gaining so much weight. It was a bitch to lose and took me over a year (not a year from when he was born, a year from when I started actually trying. Angus was actually 8 months old) to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. So, I am trying to be more sensible this time. I am 3 years older this go around, and my body just doesn't bounce back as well.

Smooth Sailing

Nothing new to report on the pregnancy front. All is going well. I am feeling pretty good with the exception of feeling tired. My sleep is still very disrupted by pee breaks and freakish dreams. Not to mention my hips aching like an 80 year old woman's because I'm not supposed to sleep on my back. So I am rolling around all night trying to find a comfortable position and taking my 30 body support pillows with me at each change of position. It doesn't make for a very restful night.
Baby Bean Dippe is moving around like crazy at night too. I wake up in the middle of the night wondering why I am awake and then feel her punching and kicking around. I wonder what she is doing in there...having a house party?
My next appt is this coming Friday in the morning. I am scared to see how much weight I have gained. The holiday eating has been out of control and I haven't even reached Christmas yet. I am also not looking forward to seeing the doctor. He was the one doctor in the practice that I didn't really like during Angus' pregnancy. His bedside manner is terrible and his assistant is a jerk. She was the only one that hassled me last time about my weight gain, which wasn't really that bad. Mi*lla Jovo*vich just had a baby and gained 90 pounds during her pregnancy. I gained half that. Of course, she is half my size so who knows what that means?
Anyway, everything is going well.

Kicking her way to freedom

Baby Bean Dippe (see the extra "pe" at the end of Dip? That is the feminine spelling of Dip, in case you didn't know) seems to be trying to kick her way to freedom. Or maybe punch. It could be both, since I have no idea where she is actually sitting in my uterus. With A, I would receive this treatment mainly when I was lying on my right side at night. For some reason he really hated when I did that and would kick and punch me until I rolled over. Dippe seems to be having a free for all on my cervix and bladder. This makes me wonder if she really is a soccer player in training...my bladder is sort of ball shaped, right? Perhaps she is doing drills in there, preparing herself for World Cup 2027?
On the symptoms front, my face has suddenly broken out in teenage acne, but only on one side of my face. Weird. Also, I have been having an unquenchable thirst lately, which doesn't seem to go away for very long. I guess I should be doubling my normal water intake since my blood volume has doubled? I don't know, but that is a lot of water to be drinking for someone who has suddenly developed a pea sized bladder and has a future soccer player kicking at her bladder for hours on end.
Surprisingly, I have been very healthy this pregnancy as far as colds go. With A, I was sick pretty regularly. At least once every 6 weeks. I am now halfway through my pregnancy and have only had one cold. This is amazing, especially since A has been sick a few times and hasn't managed to pass it to me.
My next doctor's appointment is in 3 weeks. I am not looking forward to stepping on the scale. Darn scones.

All is well

Baby Bean Dip is measuring right on target. I guess my 9lb 2 oz son stretched my uterus out so much that it is just 2 weeks bigger than it should be. Who knows? I am just breathing a sigh of relief that the baby looks healthy and happy in there.
As for the sex...well, you can push me over with a feather. Its a girl! I am very surprised and a little scared. My sister has 2 girls and they are the drama queens of the century. Always getting their feelings hurt, crying all the time, and generally extremely touchy little people. A is such a rough and tumble kid, sensitive yes, but not disposed to drama in the least. I am not sure how I am going to deal with a girl child that is extremely girly or frilly...two things I am not. I didn't even know how to pluck my eyebrows until my sister held me down and made me do it in high school.
And please keep the name suggestions coming...I have no idea what we are going to name this little girl. Damn, my boy's name was so cool, too.

Doctor's Appt today

18 week appointment today. Baby Bean Dip's heart rate measured 166 bpm, which is normal. I met one of the new doctors to the practice and was less than impressed. As she was palpating my uterus she exclaims, "Wow, your uterus is all the way to your belly button! That is really big for an 18 weeker!" Me, stunned, says, "Well, could it be because this is my second child?" She gives me a blank look and says, "Uh, yeah, I guess so." And then continues on, business as usual.
What the fuck? Why would you say that to a pregnant woman? Or anyone in general? That would be like a doctor examining you and saying, "Holy shit, take a look at that gnarly mole! Those aren't supposed to look like that! Jesus, that is terrible!" Patient says, "Could it be cancer?" Doctor says, "Uh, yeah, I guess so. Now lets discuss why your hair isn't as shiny as it should be."
Of course Dr. Google has told me that having a bigger than expected uterus is caused by having too much amniotic fluid. Which is caused by various and sundry birth defects, most of which are incompatible with life outside the womb.
I am pissed at myself that I didn't ask more questions. I guess I just figure that if it was something to really worry about the doctor would handle it. But I really need to be more proactive in my health care and less trusting that something that should be noticed will be. I know I will be getting a detailed ultrasound in a week's time, which is probably what would happen if something were really wrong. But doctors shouldn't say shit like that to people and have it go unchecked. If I were really a dedicated person I would call the doctor back and make her explain what she said and ask her if something truly could be wrong.
But I won't.
I will just freak out until Tuesday and go from there.

Sometimes things go wrong

This is what everyone who is trying to conceive should be told. Because I don't think all of us realize that the responsibility of being a parent starts from the moment you get that positive pregnancy test. Suddenly, you are the keeper of a life that is not your own. Your educated guess may be called upon in a time of trouble to make a decision that will effect someone other than you. This burden falls on the shoulders of a small few, however, just like miscarriage fetal death is the dirty little secret of pregnancy that you don't hear about until it happens to you.
I have been reading the blog of a woman who has found out that her 20+ week fetus has a condition that is incompatible with life outside the womb. She and her partner are making the agonizing decision as to how to proceed.
I also read the blog of a woman who chose to terminate and was discussing how horrible it was to be walking into the hospital to end the pregnancy and feeling the baby kick her. I can't imagine what must've been going through her mind. At this point I can't even wrap my mind around it.
These decisions are not easy to make and fracture the reality of the person making them forever. Life must seem divided from that point on...the time before and the time after.
Why, then, don't we hear about these things more often?
Is it because doctors don't want to frighten pregnant women? Technically, most women will never even come close to having to make a decision like this. So I guess OBs are playing the odds that past a certain point a woman will be bringing a healthy baby home. Because most of the time that is what happens.
I personally don't like the idea of everything being fine until its not. I suppose this is why I want to know about what happens in the real world to real people. These women are not any different from me. One day I could be one of them. I would rather hear about the heartache and imagine the tragic what ifs than wake up one day and be blindsided. Maybe I am the only pregnant woman in the world who feels like this. But I just can't imagine that these women have suffered and lost for nothing.
Yes, this is a depressing post. But this is what I am thinking about nowadays as the day of the big ultrasound approaches. There are no guarantees in life.

Actually looking pregnant today

And yet, none of my old maternity clothes fit. I am not sure if this is because I started out weighing less this time, or because I puked more during the first trimester and actually lost weight. Whatever the case may be, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I only have 3 pairs of pants that fit, but they are the under the belly kind and I find them irritating at best. They seem to hit on the worst part of my belly...right where my uterus meets my intestines. Blah, this is turning into one big complaint blog. Unfortunately, that is how I am during pregnancy. Perpetually annoyed.
Something positive...my sense of smell seems to have diminished, which is refreshing. My house no longer smells like a morgue, my husband no longer smells like a corpse, and my son no longer smells like a urine factory.
I am having the worst time deciding on a name for this baby. Well, actually, to be more precise I am having a hard time deciding on a girl's name for this baby. The boy's name is already on lock down. I am feeling so strongly, though, that this baby is a girl that I fear I won't be able to use the wonderful boy's name I have picked out. Oh well, there is always postpartum gender reassignment. Or, I could get myself together and start seriously considering a girl's name. There are a couple that I like, but none that I really love.
I am looking for a name that is unique, but not hard to spell or pronounce. Nothing too popular or trendy. I am not a big fan of boy's names for girls. Nor do I like traditional names with strange spellings or "y"s and "i"s inserted in weird places.
So, if you have any suggestions I would love to hear them.

Braxton Hicks

I had my first recognizable Braxton hicks contraction yesterday morning. It felt so strange. I get this really weird breathless feeling when I get them. It is amazing to me how different this pregnancy is from A's. I didn't get any noticeable BHs until closer to 25 weeks. I am 10 weeks early this time.
I have been feeling so much this time. Its like my uterus has taken over my body. I feel it every time I move. Even when I am not moving it is still there, like a bowling ball in my gut. It is a strange feeling, especially so early on. I am kicking myself right now for not keeping a pregnancy journal with A's pregnancy. My memory of what happened 3 years ago is terrible.
The dreams I am having are still very vivid and very disturbing at times. I had a dream 2 nights ago that my mom died and my dad (who is divorced from my mom) was trying to steal my inheritance from me. Like physically steal it from me by breaking into my house and taking money from me. I spent the whole dream running around the house stashing cash in all the nooks and crannies. I even put some money in the cap of my deodorant.
I also had a full conversation with S last night when he came to bed and I don't remember any of it. He says I sat up in bed, commented on the commercial that was playing, and then had a minute long conversation with him. I then kissed him and rolled over and went to sleep. And honestly, none of that sounds familiar at all. I told him he should've used the time to find out some of my innermost secrets and he said he was tempted but was afraid I was going to wake up.
Well, my brain is about used up from typing this extremely long and complicated post. On to week 16!

Movement

There is definitely something alive inside me. This being has been giving me subtle little kicks or punches every now and then to remind me that he or she is in there. They are very gentle right now, but I know what is to come. A spent the last trimester of my pregnancy kicking the every living shit out of my right side. For some reason he hated it when I would lie on my right side at night and would wake me up kicking and punching me until I rolled over.
I would love to say that I am full of wonder and delight at feeling baby bean dip move, but honestly I find this part of pregnancy a little disturbing. Not only does the baby moving around feel really strange, but when you can see your stomach roiling around with all of its little twists and turns it gets really bizarre. I always have the vague feeling of the guy in Alien just before the alien pops out of his stomach. Something to look forward to, I guess.
I am still feeling nauseous on and off. Mostly I feel pretty good with the exception of being very tired. I am not sleeping well due to very strange dreams and not being able to get comfy. But, like I said in my last post, I don't expect this to get any better for the next 2 years.
I am going through some intense guilt lately about what A will have to deal with when his sibling is born. Sometimes I feel stupid for thinking I can handle two. Mostly I feel like this time with A is precious because I won't have him all to myself ever again. There is something special about spending quality one on one time with your only child. I feel like I should be taking advantage of the time we have left by doing some quality bonding. I hope when he is in therapy later he doesn't blame me (too much) for ruining his life by having another child.
My emotions seem to be getting the better of me lately as well. I feel like crying a lot. Probably because I feel guilty about everything lately. I also feel very intense love for my son and my husband, except when I am feeling annoyed with them which happens just as often and occasionally at the same time.

Appointment

Heard the heartbeat, but I have no idea what the bpm was. I think it is better that way, one less thing to obsess over. I got my referral for the big ultrasound and it looks like we will be having it right before Thanksgiving. What a nice bit of news that will be for Turkey Day!
A came with me to the doctor's office and of course they were running 20 minutes behind. He was very well behaved, however, and didn't complain once. I got to meet the new doctor in the practice and she seems very nice. Actually seemed genuinely concerned about my nausea and vomiting, offering to prescribe something for it instead of the old "well, it will get better soon" song and dance. She was also okay with me stopping the prenatals, since they seemed to be making the nausea worse. Flintstones chewables and folic acid supplements were her recommendation, which is what I was planning on doing anyway. Her outfit, however, was a little surprising. I am used to my OB who wears kind of Earth Mothery sweaters and khakis with a big chunky necklace. This doctor was wearing "fuck me" knee length leather boots with a stiletto heel and a tight black dress that looked like it belonged in a night club instead of a doctor's office. I probably did a double take when she walked in, but hey, if she feels comfortable in that kind of get up I am all for it. I was trying to picture her delivering a baby in those boots but I am sure she is sensible enough to trade them in for some comfy 4 inch Jimmy Choos on her on call days.
Her assistant kind of pissed me off when she asked me if I was having twins. It made me wonder why she asked that? Is it because she thinks I look big? Are my hcg results really high? Have I gained too much weight? I was annoyed to say the least...you would think if anyone should know not to ask stupid questions like that it would be a medical assistant in an OB's office!
By the way, thanks to everyone who has commented thus far. I appreciate your support and it is nice to know that I am not going through this alone.

13 weeks

I am feeling better. Food seems to have much more appeal to me, especially things I would've barfed at the thought of 3 weeks ago. I am feeling tired still most of the time, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I probably won't stop feeling tired all the time until about 2 years from now. Yes, its depressing to think about but things only get worse in that respect before they get better. Maybe this time I will luck out with a baby that wants to sleep instead of a baby that prefers to scream. I hate mentioning it because I feel like I will be tempting fate and I don't want to jinx myself.
My dreams are still extremely vivid and totally bizarre. Some of them are so disturbing that they cause me to wake up repeatedly at night. And still no sex dreams with "the big finish." By this time in A's pregnancy I was having at least one a night.
I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I am kind of nervous about it. I really am flying blind this pregnancy. With A's pregnancy I rented a doppler so I could hear his heartbeat whenever I wanted. Which was at least once a day, sometimes more until I read that they still haven't proven that ultrasound waves aren't harmful to a developing fetus. They should be able to hear baby bean dip's heartbeat with the doppler at the office on Tuesday but I am still terrified that there will be nothing there. And I will go into the situation completely blind like I did the first time. I have these horrible thoughts imagining them telling me again that the fetus had died. My only comfort is that if that really does happen I will elect to have the d&c done right away, instead of waiting over the weekend to decide and experiencing the most traumatic day of my life.
Yes, I know these thoughts are morbid. But honest. Pregnancy after loss is not a cake walk. It is a roller coaster ride vacillating between the dizzying heights of excitement and the depths of agony and despair. I will say that this pregnancy isn't as terrifying as A's by any means. I have already decided, though, that if things don't work out with this one I will not take this ride again. I think my capacity for pain and disappointment is pretty much used up and I want to save room in case I need it later for something else.
Okay, enough with the depressing stuff.
Man, I would kill for a bottle of La Crema right now. What does it mean when your friends are already planning a drinking party for you the week after your baby is born? I am not joking. They are calling it my "coming out" party and are already starting to plan it. I am not sure if that should make me laugh or make me worried?
I will update after Tuesday's appointment. I get to meet the new OB in my practice so that means I will need to borrow S's weed whacker and make sure all of my pubic ducks are in a row, so to speak. I would hate to terrify the poor thing on our first meeting. She will see all that unpleasantness when I can no longer reach that area in about 3 months or so. I should probably start now, it may take me until Tuesday to thin all that out. Josh, if you are still reading this blog I am sorry you had to read this last paragraph. I am sure that is more than you ever wanted to know about me.

I'm Not Fat, I'm Pregnant...

And not in the cute, glowing, Mother Earth sort of way.
I have come to accept that I am not a pretty pregnant person. Hair starts to sprout in strange places all over my body. I get these weird patches of dark pigmented skin. My body starts to store fat in my back like I was going into winter hibernation. Yes, just my back. Did I mention that my nose and face swell to double their normal size?
I do not get a "cute little baby bump" that sticks out like a basketball underneath my shirt. First, I just look like I have a spare tire. Then I look like I should be wearing stretch pants, slip on shoes, and shopping at Wal Mart (which I do frequently). And finally I look like a chubby woman who might be pregnant but you are afraid to ask because I could just be shoplifting a turkey under my shirt.
Overnight I have jumped right into the spare tire hanging over the top of my pants stage. This spare tire could probably fit on Gravedigger.
Too bloated to wear my regular jeans, not big enough to pull off maternity shirts without looking ridiculous.
On top of all of the body weirdness I am also really not interested in doing much in the way of self care other than showering. Plucking my eyebrows has been limited to keeping them from forming a unibrow. My mustache is out of control and starting to grow down into my chin whiskers. Lets not even discuss the horrors that are my bikini line or leg hair. I keep waiting for someone to shoot me with a tranquilizer dart and put me on the cover of the National Enquirer, "Sasquatch female found browsing at Wal Mart!!!"
So, I bought a new pair of maternity pants today to get me through the in between phase. I put them on right as I got home and immediately felt like a new woman. There is nothing like letting it all hang out without worrying about looking good. At this point, I have resigned myself to at the very least making sure I am clean and don't smell. Anything above and beyond that (hair styling, make up, clothes that match) is just a bonus.

Is that a light?

Yesterday marked the end of a two day non puking streak! Although I did puke today and yesterday, I am doing quite well. Once a day is great, since it used to be almost 3-4 times daily. So it looks like there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have to say that my dreams at night are starting to get very disturbing. They are always very busy dreams where I am being chased by something, have to get something done in a very short amount of time, or have something really terrible happen to me physically. The other night I had a dream that I found this large, pulsating boil on my leg between my knee and my upper thigh. I figured it would go away if I left it alone. S and I start to get busy in my dream and when he takes my pants off he sees this gigantic boil. Instead of being horrified he is fascinated (that is probably the most realistic part of the dream) and starts trying to convince me that he should lance it for me or squeeze it like a pimple to pop it.
I tell him that I am scared and that it really hurts and not to do it, but he holds me down and does it anyway. Pus starts squirting everywhere and now we are both screaming because it is so disgusting. I actually woke up with a scream in my throat because the dream was so real. It took me a minute to remember that it was actually a dream and that there wasn't a baby's head sized boil on my upper thigh.
My pregnancy with A was riddled with sex dreams every night that were very graphic. I had a dream that I was a MAN doing a WOMAN from behind. I woke up and wondered, "How in the hell do I know what THAT was supposed to feel like?" It was intense to say the least.
So now I am wondering if this means that baby bean dip is a girl. Doesn't it seem typical that a boy would make someone dream about sex all the time and a girl would make someone dream about poor body issues and low self esteem?

Insomnia strikes again

I woke up at 4 am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. My mind was whirling with thoughts and music kept playing in the background (R. Kelly's Ignition(Remix) and Beautiful Liar by Beyonce/Shakira in case you are curious). I knew Steve's alarm clock was going to go off at 5:45 am but no matter how I tried I couldn't go back to sleep. I seem to recall this happening with A's pregnancy too but I don't remember when it started. I wish I had kept a pregnancy journal.
Funny thing is that I was sleeping on the couch last week while I was sick with my cold so my coughing wouldn't wake A or S up. I slept like a log on that couch. No tossing and turning or waking up early. I wonder what it is about that couch that lets me sleep so well. Maybe it is the fact that I am sleeping alone?
I have to be honest, I have never understood the reasoning behind why husbands and wives have to sleep together in the same bed in the same room. I mean, when you are sleeping its not like you are going to be having heart to heart discussions about your life philosophies. Sex could always be accomplished in one bed and then each party goes on to their separate bed in their separate room afterwards.
S gets annoyed when I mention this because he thinks I am saying something about sleeping in bed with HIM. He actually is a relatively quirk free bed partner. He DOES push all the covers on me when he is hot and wiggles his feet when he is falling asleep and he snores occasionally. Other than those things, however, he is a relatively considerate bed mate. Well, except for the fact that he hits his snooze button 3 times before getting up.
Sleep never became more precious to me than when I became a Mom. Now I know that even one hour of lost sleep is exactly that...lost. A wakes up and my day starts, no matter what the time on the clock says. Sometimes I get to nap during the day when A naps, but it is hard for me to nap knowing that he could wake up at any moment. I usually fret about it until it gets too late to fall asleep.
I guess this is the sacrifice we make when we get married/have kids. Sharing our bed and our sleep is a reminder that we are no longer autonomous. I just wish the reminder wasn't so glaring for me.

A squandered opportunity

Today I had a glorious 3 hour window of opportunity. My aversions were minimized and I actually felt relatively good about eating. No nausea, just a feeling like a normal person for once. I was at a birthday party for one of A's friends when it hit. So I ate real food and felt fine. I enjoyed myself and it was great.
I watched food network without gagging. I made plans for a dinner party I will be attending next week and actually looked forward to the food that would be served.
Then the panic set in. Just like always. I flashed back to my first miscarriage where I woke up one morning and felt absolutely fine. I figured since I was 12 weeks along that it was just the end of morning sickness and the beginning of the "golden trimester." What my naive little self didn't realize was that my baby had died and within a week's time I would be experiencing the most horrifying trauma of my life...delivering my dead fetus.
Even though I had just seen little baby bean dip on Wednesday growing just fine and looking like a little gummy bear with a perfectly beating heart, I still couldn't get the fear out of my mind. What if my baby is dead again? How could I live through the loss of another? My fear was starting to build and I began to feel helpless.
I remembered the bone crushing pain of months and months of blame and asking myself what I did wrong to make my baby die. Was it the beer I had before I knew I was pregnant? Was it the hot bath I took the day I took my pregnancy test? I didn't know what had happened and I thought that there must've been something I could've done to prevent it.
With A's pregnancy it felt like I was keeping him alive through my sheer will alone. I paid attention to every symptom obsessively. I was terrified of the times when I didn't feel him moving. It was not a fun time for me to say the least.
The day he was born was a relief for me because I had brought him safely into the world. A live baby. I did it, finally.
I resolved when I found out I was pregnant with baby bean dip that I wouldn't follow that path again. It was stressful and unproductive and now that I had A I didn't have to prove myself again, right?
I slipped up today. I fell down again for a frightening afternoon into the abyss of terror that comes with me having to give up control. I felt sheepish as I was puking my guts out in the toilet after dinner tonight. I had wasted a few precious hours of normalcy with my obsession.
I don't know if I can ever do anything that will put my history out of my mind completely. But suddenly in this helplessness I found a measure of peace. Because really, I am helpless and powerless in this. I have no control over whether something bad happens. Yes, I take precautions and do what I can (take prenatal vitamins, see a doctor, etc.) but if something really is going to happen there is nothing I can do to stop it.
So I should just accept it.
And let go.

Saw baby bean again today

He/She actually looks more human now and is much bigger. Everything is looking well, arm buds and leg buds in all the right places. My doctor is trying to be optimistic about the chances of having a VBAC but I am skeptical. Honestly, at this point the idea of pushing a baby out of me seems scary since all I have ever done is the surgical way, which is much easier. The recovery is not as easy, but getting the baby out is much quicker.
I have my typical pregnancy cold going on right now, which is discouraging. I had two before 13 weeks during my pregnancy with A. My ob doesn't advise any drugs prior to 13 weeks, even those thought to be safe during pregnancy. And she told me the same thing at my appointment today. Which means I am miserable with this terrible sinus pain. Ah well, sacrifice is good every now and then, right?

Head in the toilet, yeah yeah yeah

Man, I really should've remembered that it is imperative to scrupulously clean your toilets before you enter the head in the toilet phase of pregnancy. It is such a vicious cycle. I puke, I see yuckies in the toilet, I puke some more. Yuckies don't go away and now I am looking at regurgitated cheerios and more puking commences. Eventually my stomach finally realizes that there is nothing left in my stomach to puke and the puking stops. For a short while.
I finally christened the car today by puking in it while in the parking lot of the lab where I had my blood drawn. Of course, once again, my ziploc had a leak in the bottom of it so I ended up essentially puking on my jeans. So fun.
S. has been so lovely about the whole thing. He has been doing dishes, changing poopy diapers (A's, not mine), and keeping this ship afloat while I watch TV and sleep on the couch. Not to mention that he is doing this after I told him multiple times that he can't turn towards me while sleeping because the smell of his breath wakes me up. Poor man gets 8 weeks off on sabbatical and ends up spending half of it tending to his sickened wife and unruly 2 year old.
He is currently at the store with A. because the smell of the grocery store would probably be my undoing, especially WalMart. Love. That. Man.
I will be 10 weeks along in 2 days and I am praying that I will get a respite from all the ickiness sooner rather than later. I have a doctor's appt on Wednesday...we will see how that goes.

Note to self...

Don't go on 5 hour plane rides with a 2year old and also be 8 weeks pregnant. A. was a dream, but I however could smell every person with bad breath that sat on the plane. And the food they were making. And my mom's perfume. I wanted to die.
On another note, Hawaii smelled very good. It rained every day we were there and the whole place smelled wonderfully fresh and clean and earthy.
S's smell continues to thwart me. I love the man and normally love his smell but right now I feel like I want vomit when he wears any sort of cologne or deodorant. Why do all men's products have to smell so musky?
So, in short I am still naseous, still vomiting intermittently, still fatigued and infinitely looking forward to a month from now when I can turn the corner and start feeling better and wearing maternity clothes.
On another note, we made the big announcement the day after our ultrasound results. And today I told playgroup. Soon, the whole club will know that I am pregnant. It was a big step for me to announce it so soon but I feel confident that everything is okay now that I got the okay from my doctor.

Ultrasound today

I saw the little bean inside of me for the first time today. It makes this whole thing seem so very real to me now. I saw the little heart beating away and realized that there is something alive inside me. It seems weird to me that a little heart is beating away right now deep inside my womb. I am excited to meet this little person already.
S. and A. were with me and saw everything. A. had no idea what was going on and was a little angry that he didn't get to play with the ultrasound machine.
I am still nauseous and very tired. And I have gained 4 pounds already. Not so good. Hunger seems to be my worst enemy right now..every time I get the slightest bit hungry I end up feeling like I want to vomit. So I shove food in my face to feel better and it is not the best stuff to be eating.
We are leaving for Hawaii tomorrow and I am hoping that I feel okay for our trip. Wish me luck!

Barf

Man, I feel like I could vomit at any minute. I was dreading this day, which has come a week earlier than my pregnancy with A. I guess I will have to start packing the ziploc baggies with me everywhere I go now in case I need to puke on the run.
I mastered the art of puking discreetly with my pregnancy with A. I had a little baggy in my purse and I would just find a quiet place (If no bathroom was readily available) and hork my little guts out. Close up the baggy and toss it in the garbage, or zip up my purse and throw it away if I couldn't find a garbage can close by. I even kept a few in my car, although I would not recommend barfing while driving. The poor man who had the parking space next to me at work saw many unpleasant things during my pregnancy. Scary, unspeakable things.
Well, hopefully if it starts early it will end early too. I think I was finally feeling better by 14 weeks. So I have 8 weeks to go until I feel okay.

Exhausted

Dear lord I am so tired. I am 5 weeks 1 day tomorrow and feeling exhausted in the evenings. Even if I take a nap during the day I still feel like I have run a marathon by 7pm. Which is right during my peak of activity for the evening (bath and bedtime).
Still intermittently cramping. No sign of nausea yet, thank goodness. I am wondering how I will be feeling next week at this time, however.
Did a step class this morning and it felt great. My new heart rate monitor works great. I am glad I took the risers off of the step, though, because I was sweating my butt off with just the bench and not the riser.
Is it time for bed yet?

My first post

Well, this is my first post in my new pregnancy blog. I still can't believe that I am pregnant again. I am trying very hard to make this a positive pregnancy and a healthy one. Thus the reason for starting a blog. I am going to post at least once a week, if not more.
I am 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant.
So far my only symptoms are fatigue that lasts all day, cramping, and breast tenderness. If I remember correctly the barfing didn't start with A. until week 6 or 7. So I have a couple of weeks to try to live it up before I start throwing up nonstop. Actually, it coincides with A. and I leaving on our big trip to Hawaii, so I am sure the plane ride will be so much fun for the both of us.
I have told a couple of friends who needed to know but our families have no clue. We probably won't tell them until the trip to Hawaii. They would be suspicious if I wasn't having a yummy cocktail when we got there and they know we were trying to get pregnant so they would put two and two together anyway.
My first doctor's appt is the day before we leave. I am excited and nervous at the same time. I am hoping to make it that far. It seems hard to believe that only 10% of pregnancies that are discovered by a HPT end in miscarriage. Perhaps suffering 2 in a row makes this statistic seem unbelievable to me. I wish I could be one of those women who gets pregnant and starts buying baby clothes. But I am not.
Steve bought me a heart monitor. He is such a sweetheart of a husband. I am determined to stay active this pregnancy and try not to gain the 50 pounds I gained last time. I am going to try out my new toy at step class on Sunday.
I am excited to start this blog. It is the beginning of a wonderful journey.