13 weeks

I am feeling better. Food seems to have much more appeal to me, especially things I would've barfed at the thought of 3 weeks ago. I am feeling tired still most of the time, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I probably won't stop feeling tired all the time until about 2 years from now. Yes, its depressing to think about but things only get worse in that respect before they get better. Maybe this time I will luck out with a baby that wants to sleep instead of a baby that prefers to scream. I hate mentioning it because I feel like I will be tempting fate and I don't want to jinx myself.
My dreams are still extremely vivid and totally bizarre. Some of them are so disturbing that they cause me to wake up repeatedly at night. And still no sex dreams with "the big finish." By this time in A's pregnancy I was having at least one a night.
I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I am kind of nervous about it. I really am flying blind this pregnancy. With A's pregnancy I rented a doppler so I could hear his heartbeat whenever I wanted. Which was at least once a day, sometimes more until I read that they still haven't proven that ultrasound waves aren't harmful to a developing fetus. They should be able to hear baby bean dip's heartbeat with the doppler at the office on Tuesday but I am still terrified that there will be nothing there. And I will go into the situation completely blind like I did the first time. I have these horrible thoughts imagining them telling me again that the fetus had died. My only comfort is that if that really does happen I will elect to have the d&c done right away, instead of waiting over the weekend to decide and experiencing the most traumatic day of my life.
Yes, I know these thoughts are morbid. But honest. Pregnancy after loss is not a cake walk. It is a roller coaster ride vacillating between the dizzying heights of excitement and the depths of agony and despair. I will say that this pregnancy isn't as terrifying as A's by any means. I have already decided, though, that if things don't work out with this one I will not take this ride again. I think my capacity for pain and disappointment is pretty much used up and I want to save room in case I need it later for something else.
Okay, enough with the depressing stuff.
Man, I would kill for a bottle of La Crema right now. What does it mean when your friends are already planning a drinking party for you the week after your baby is born? I am not joking. They are calling it my "coming out" party and are already starting to plan it. I am not sure if that should make me laugh or make me worried?
I will update after Tuesday's appointment. I get to meet the new OB in my practice so that means I will need to borrow S's weed whacker and make sure all of my pubic ducks are in a row, so to speak. I would hate to terrify the poor thing on our first meeting. She will see all that unpleasantness when I can no longer reach that area in about 3 months or so. I should probably start now, it may take me until Tuesday to thin all that out. Josh, if you are still reading this blog I am sorry you had to read this last paragraph. I am sure that is more than you ever wanted to know about me.