Braxton Hicks

I had my first recognizable Braxton hicks contraction yesterday morning. It felt so strange. I get this really weird breathless feeling when I get them. It is amazing to me how different this pregnancy is from A's. I didn't get any noticeable BHs until closer to 25 weeks. I am 10 weeks early this time.
I have been feeling so much this time. Its like my uterus has taken over my body. I feel it every time I move. Even when I am not moving it is still there, like a bowling ball in my gut. It is a strange feeling, especially so early on. I am kicking myself right now for not keeping a pregnancy journal with A's pregnancy. My memory of what happened 3 years ago is terrible.
The dreams I am having are still very vivid and very disturbing at times. I had a dream 2 nights ago that my mom died and my dad (who is divorced from my mom) was trying to steal my inheritance from me. Like physically steal it from me by breaking into my house and taking money from me. I spent the whole dream running around the house stashing cash in all the nooks and crannies. I even put some money in the cap of my deodorant.
I also had a full conversation with S last night when he came to bed and I don't remember any of it. He says I sat up in bed, commented on the commercial that was playing, and then had a minute long conversation with him. I then kissed him and rolled over and went to sleep. And honestly, none of that sounds familiar at all. I told him he should've used the time to find out some of my innermost secrets and he said he was tempted but was afraid I was going to wake up.
Well, my brain is about used up from typing this extremely long and complicated post. On to week 16!

Movement

There is definitely something alive inside me. This being has been giving me subtle little kicks or punches every now and then to remind me that he or she is in there. They are very gentle right now, but I know what is to come. A spent the last trimester of my pregnancy kicking the every living shit out of my right side. For some reason he hated it when I would lie on my right side at night and would wake me up kicking and punching me until I rolled over.
I would love to say that I am full of wonder and delight at feeling baby bean dip move, but honestly I find this part of pregnancy a little disturbing. Not only does the baby moving around feel really strange, but when you can see your stomach roiling around with all of its little twists and turns it gets really bizarre. I always have the vague feeling of the guy in Alien just before the alien pops out of his stomach. Something to look forward to, I guess.
I am still feeling nauseous on and off. Mostly I feel pretty good with the exception of being very tired. I am not sleeping well due to very strange dreams and not being able to get comfy. But, like I said in my last post, I don't expect this to get any better for the next 2 years.
I am going through some intense guilt lately about what A will have to deal with when his sibling is born. Sometimes I feel stupid for thinking I can handle two. Mostly I feel like this time with A is precious because I won't have him all to myself ever again. There is something special about spending quality one on one time with your only child. I feel like I should be taking advantage of the time we have left by doing some quality bonding. I hope when he is in therapy later he doesn't blame me (too much) for ruining his life by having another child.
My emotions seem to be getting the better of me lately as well. I feel like crying a lot. Probably because I feel guilty about everything lately. I also feel very intense love for my son and my husband, except when I am feeling annoyed with them which happens just as often and occasionally at the same time.

Appointment

Heard the heartbeat, but I have no idea what the bpm was. I think it is better that way, one less thing to obsess over. I got my referral for the big ultrasound and it looks like we will be having it right before Thanksgiving. What a nice bit of news that will be for Turkey Day!
A came with me to the doctor's office and of course they were running 20 minutes behind. He was very well behaved, however, and didn't complain once. I got to meet the new doctor in the practice and she seems very nice. Actually seemed genuinely concerned about my nausea and vomiting, offering to prescribe something for it instead of the old "well, it will get better soon" song and dance. She was also okay with me stopping the prenatals, since they seemed to be making the nausea worse. Flintstones chewables and folic acid supplements were her recommendation, which is what I was planning on doing anyway. Her outfit, however, was a little surprising. I am used to my OB who wears kind of Earth Mothery sweaters and khakis with a big chunky necklace. This doctor was wearing "fuck me" knee length leather boots with a stiletto heel and a tight black dress that looked like it belonged in a night club instead of a doctor's office. I probably did a double take when she walked in, but hey, if she feels comfortable in that kind of get up I am all for it. I was trying to picture her delivering a baby in those boots but I am sure she is sensible enough to trade them in for some comfy 4 inch Jimmy Choos on her on call days.
Her assistant kind of pissed me off when she asked me if I was having twins. It made me wonder why she asked that? Is it because she thinks I look big? Are my hcg results really high? Have I gained too much weight? I was annoyed to say the least...you would think if anyone should know not to ask stupid questions like that it would be a medical assistant in an OB's office!
By the way, thanks to everyone who has commented thus far. I appreciate your support and it is nice to know that I am not going through this alone.

13 weeks

I am feeling better. Food seems to have much more appeal to me, especially things I would've barfed at the thought of 3 weeks ago. I am feeling tired still most of the time, but I have finally come to terms with the fact that I probably won't stop feeling tired all the time until about 2 years from now. Yes, its depressing to think about but things only get worse in that respect before they get better. Maybe this time I will luck out with a baby that wants to sleep instead of a baby that prefers to scream. I hate mentioning it because I feel like I will be tempting fate and I don't want to jinx myself.
My dreams are still extremely vivid and totally bizarre. Some of them are so disturbing that they cause me to wake up repeatedly at night. And still no sex dreams with "the big finish." By this time in A's pregnancy I was having at least one a night.
I have a doctor's appointment on Tuesday and I am kind of nervous about it. I really am flying blind this pregnancy. With A's pregnancy I rented a doppler so I could hear his heartbeat whenever I wanted. Which was at least once a day, sometimes more until I read that they still haven't proven that ultrasound waves aren't harmful to a developing fetus. They should be able to hear baby bean dip's heartbeat with the doppler at the office on Tuesday but I am still terrified that there will be nothing there. And I will go into the situation completely blind like I did the first time. I have these horrible thoughts imagining them telling me again that the fetus had died. My only comfort is that if that really does happen I will elect to have the d&c done right away, instead of waiting over the weekend to decide and experiencing the most traumatic day of my life.
Yes, I know these thoughts are morbid. But honest. Pregnancy after loss is not a cake walk. It is a roller coaster ride vacillating between the dizzying heights of excitement and the depths of agony and despair. I will say that this pregnancy isn't as terrifying as A's by any means. I have already decided, though, that if things don't work out with this one I will not take this ride again. I think my capacity for pain and disappointment is pretty much used up and I want to save room in case I need it later for something else.
Okay, enough with the depressing stuff.
Man, I would kill for a bottle of La Crema right now. What does it mean when your friends are already planning a drinking party for you the week after your baby is born? I am not joking. They are calling it my "coming out" party and are already starting to plan it. I am not sure if that should make me laugh or make me worried?
I will update after Tuesday's appointment. I get to meet the new OB in my practice so that means I will need to borrow S's weed whacker and make sure all of my pubic ducks are in a row, so to speak. I would hate to terrify the poor thing on our first meeting. She will see all that unpleasantness when I can no longer reach that area in about 3 months or so. I should probably start now, it may take me until Tuesday to thin all that out. Josh, if you are still reading this blog I am sorry you had to read this last paragraph. I am sure that is more than you ever wanted to know about me.

I'm Not Fat, I'm Pregnant...

And not in the cute, glowing, Mother Earth sort of way.
I have come to accept that I am not a pretty pregnant person. Hair starts to sprout in strange places all over my body. I get these weird patches of dark pigmented skin. My body starts to store fat in my back like I was going into winter hibernation. Yes, just my back. Did I mention that my nose and face swell to double their normal size?
I do not get a "cute little baby bump" that sticks out like a basketball underneath my shirt. First, I just look like I have a spare tire. Then I look like I should be wearing stretch pants, slip on shoes, and shopping at Wal Mart (which I do frequently). And finally I look like a chubby woman who might be pregnant but you are afraid to ask because I could just be shoplifting a turkey under my shirt.
Overnight I have jumped right into the spare tire hanging over the top of my pants stage. This spare tire could probably fit on Gravedigger.
Too bloated to wear my regular jeans, not big enough to pull off maternity shirts without looking ridiculous.
On top of all of the body weirdness I am also really not interested in doing much in the way of self care other than showering. Plucking my eyebrows has been limited to keeping them from forming a unibrow. My mustache is out of control and starting to grow down into my chin whiskers. Lets not even discuss the horrors that are my bikini line or leg hair. I keep waiting for someone to shoot me with a tranquilizer dart and put me on the cover of the National Enquirer, "Sasquatch female found browsing at Wal Mart!!!"
So, I bought a new pair of maternity pants today to get me through the in between phase. I put them on right as I got home and immediately felt like a new woman. There is nothing like letting it all hang out without worrying about looking good. At this point, I have resigned myself to at the very least making sure I am clean and don't smell. Anything above and beyond that (hair styling, make up, clothes that match) is just a bonus.

Is that a light?

Yesterday marked the end of a two day non puking streak! Although I did puke today and yesterday, I am doing quite well. Once a day is great, since it used to be almost 3-4 times daily. So it looks like there may be a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have to say that my dreams at night are starting to get very disturbing. They are always very busy dreams where I am being chased by something, have to get something done in a very short amount of time, or have something really terrible happen to me physically. The other night I had a dream that I found this large, pulsating boil on my leg between my knee and my upper thigh. I figured it would go away if I left it alone. S and I start to get busy in my dream and when he takes my pants off he sees this gigantic boil. Instead of being horrified he is fascinated (that is probably the most realistic part of the dream) and starts trying to convince me that he should lance it for me or squeeze it like a pimple to pop it.
I tell him that I am scared and that it really hurts and not to do it, but he holds me down and does it anyway. Pus starts squirting everywhere and now we are both screaming because it is so disgusting. I actually woke up with a scream in my throat because the dream was so real. It took me a minute to remember that it was actually a dream and that there wasn't a baby's head sized boil on my upper thigh.
My pregnancy with A was riddled with sex dreams every night that were very graphic. I had a dream that I was a MAN doing a WOMAN from behind. I woke up and wondered, "How in the hell do I know what THAT was supposed to feel like?" It was intense to say the least.
So now I am wondering if this means that baby bean dip is a girl. Doesn't it seem typical that a boy would make someone dream about sex all the time and a girl would make someone dream about poor body issues and low self esteem?