Insomnia strikes again

I woke up at 4 am this morning and couldn't go back to sleep. My mind was whirling with thoughts and music kept playing in the background (R. Kelly's Ignition(Remix) and Beautiful Liar by Beyonce/Shakira in case you are curious). I knew Steve's alarm clock was going to go off at 5:45 am but no matter how I tried I couldn't go back to sleep. I seem to recall this happening with A's pregnancy too but I don't remember when it started. I wish I had kept a pregnancy journal.
Funny thing is that I was sleeping on the couch last week while I was sick with my cold so my coughing wouldn't wake A or S up. I slept like a log on that couch. No tossing and turning or waking up early. I wonder what it is about that couch that lets me sleep so well. Maybe it is the fact that I am sleeping alone?
I have to be honest, I have never understood the reasoning behind why husbands and wives have to sleep together in the same bed in the same room. I mean, when you are sleeping its not like you are going to be having heart to heart discussions about your life philosophies. Sex could always be accomplished in one bed and then each party goes on to their separate bed in their separate room afterwards.
S gets annoyed when I mention this because he thinks I am saying something about sleeping in bed with HIM. He actually is a relatively quirk free bed partner. He DOES push all the covers on me when he is hot and wiggles his feet when he is falling asleep and he snores occasionally. Other than those things, however, he is a relatively considerate bed mate. Well, except for the fact that he hits his snooze button 3 times before getting up.
Sleep never became more precious to me than when I became a Mom. Now I know that even one hour of lost sleep is exactly that...lost. A wakes up and my day starts, no matter what the time on the clock says. Sometimes I get to nap during the day when A naps, but it is hard for me to nap knowing that he could wake up at any moment. I usually fret about it until it gets too late to fall asleep.
I guess this is the sacrifice we make when we get married/have kids. Sharing our bed and our sleep is a reminder that we are no longer autonomous. I just wish the reminder wasn't so glaring for me.

A squandered opportunity

Today I had a glorious 3 hour window of opportunity. My aversions were minimized and I actually felt relatively good about eating. No nausea, just a feeling like a normal person for once. I was at a birthday party for one of A's friends when it hit. So I ate real food and felt fine. I enjoyed myself and it was great.
I watched food network without gagging. I made plans for a dinner party I will be attending next week and actually looked forward to the food that would be served.
Then the panic set in. Just like always. I flashed back to my first miscarriage where I woke up one morning and felt absolutely fine. I figured since I was 12 weeks along that it was just the end of morning sickness and the beginning of the "golden trimester." What my naive little self didn't realize was that my baby had died and within a week's time I would be experiencing the most horrifying trauma of my life...delivering my dead fetus.
Even though I had just seen little baby bean dip on Wednesday growing just fine and looking like a little gummy bear with a perfectly beating heart, I still couldn't get the fear out of my mind. What if my baby is dead again? How could I live through the loss of another? My fear was starting to build and I began to feel helpless.
I remembered the bone crushing pain of months and months of blame and asking myself what I did wrong to make my baby die. Was it the beer I had before I knew I was pregnant? Was it the hot bath I took the day I took my pregnancy test? I didn't know what had happened and I thought that there must've been something I could've done to prevent it.
With A's pregnancy it felt like I was keeping him alive through my sheer will alone. I paid attention to every symptom obsessively. I was terrified of the times when I didn't feel him moving. It was not a fun time for me to say the least.
The day he was born was a relief for me because I had brought him safely into the world. A live baby. I did it, finally.
I resolved when I found out I was pregnant with baby bean dip that I wouldn't follow that path again. It was stressful and unproductive and now that I had A I didn't have to prove myself again, right?
I slipped up today. I fell down again for a frightening afternoon into the abyss of terror that comes with me having to give up control. I felt sheepish as I was puking my guts out in the toilet after dinner tonight. I had wasted a few precious hours of normalcy with my obsession.
I don't know if I can ever do anything that will put my history out of my mind completely. But suddenly in this helplessness I found a measure of peace. Because really, I am helpless and powerless in this. I have no control over whether something bad happens. Yes, I take precautions and do what I can (take prenatal vitamins, see a doctor, etc.) but if something really is going to happen there is nothing I can do to stop it.
So I should just accept it.
And let go.

Saw baby bean again today

He/She actually looks more human now and is much bigger. Everything is looking well, arm buds and leg buds in all the right places. My doctor is trying to be optimistic about the chances of having a VBAC but I am skeptical. Honestly, at this point the idea of pushing a baby out of me seems scary since all I have ever done is the surgical way, which is much easier. The recovery is not as easy, but getting the baby out is much quicker.
I have my typical pregnancy cold going on right now, which is discouraging. I had two before 13 weeks during my pregnancy with A. My ob doesn't advise any drugs prior to 13 weeks, even those thought to be safe during pregnancy. And she told me the same thing at my appointment today. Which means I am miserable with this terrible sinus pain. Ah well, sacrifice is good every now and then, right?

Head in the toilet, yeah yeah yeah

Man, I really should've remembered that it is imperative to scrupulously clean your toilets before you enter the head in the toilet phase of pregnancy. It is such a vicious cycle. I puke, I see yuckies in the toilet, I puke some more. Yuckies don't go away and now I am looking at regurgitated cheerios and more puking commences. Eventually my stomach finally realizes that there is nothing left in my stomach to puke and the puking stops. For a short while.
I finally christened the car today by puking in it while in the parking lot of the lab where I had my blood drawn. Of course, once again, my ziploc had a leak in the bottom of it so I ended up essentially puking on my jeans. So fun.
S. has been so lovely about the whole thing. He has been doing dishes, changing poopy diapers (A's, not mine), and keeping this ship afloat while I watch TV and sleep on the couch. Not to mention that he is doing this after I told him multiple times that he can't turn towards me while sleeping because the smell of his breath wakes me up. Poor man gets 8 weeks off on sabbatical and ends up spending half of it tending to his sickened wife and unruly 2 year old.
He is currently at the store with A. because the smell of the grocery store would probably be my undoing, especially WalMart. Love. That. Man.
I will be 10 weeks along in 2 days and I am praying that I will get a respite from all the ickiness sooner rather than later. I have a doctor's appt on Wednesday...we will see how that goes.

Note to self...

Don't go on 5 hour plane rides with a 2year old and also be 8 weeks pregnant. A. was a dream, but I however could smell every person with bad breath that sat on the plane. And the food they were making. And my mom's perfume. I wanted to die.
On another note, Hawaii smelled very good. It rained every day we were there and the whole place smelled wonderfully fresh and clean and earthy.
S's smell continues to thwart me. I love the man and normally love his smell but right now I feel like I want vomit when he wears any sort of cologne or deodorant. Why do all men's products have to smell so musky?
So, in short I am still naseous, still vomiting intermittently, still fatigued and infinitely looking forward to a month from now when I can turn the corner and start feeling better and wearing maternity clothes.
On another note, we made the big announcement the day after our ultrasound results. And today I told playgroup. Soon, the whole club will know that I am pregnant. It was a big step for me to announce it so soon but I feel confident that everything is okay now that I got the okay from my doctor.