Kicking her way to freedom

Baby Bean Dippe (see the extra "pe" at the end of Dip? That is the feminine spelling of Dip, in case you didn't know) seems to be trying to kick her way to freedom. Or maybe punch. It could be both, since I have no idea where she is actually sitting in my uterus. With A, I would receive this treatment mainly when I was lying on my right side at night. For some reason he really hated when I did that and would kick and punch me until I rolled over. Dippe seems to be having a free for all on my cervix and bladder. This makes me wonder if she really is a soccer player in training...my bladder is sort of ball shaped, right? Perhaps she is doing drills in there, preparing herself for World Cup 2027?
On the symptoms front, my face has suddenly broken out in teenage acne, but only on one side of my face. Weird. Also, I have been having an unquenchable thirst lately, which doesn't seem to go away for very long. I guess I should be doubling my normal water intake since my blood volume has doubled? I don't know, but that is a lot of water to be drinking for someone who has suddenly developed a pea sized bladder and has a future soccer player kicking at her bladder for hours on end.
Surprisingly, I have been very healthy this pregnancy as far as colds go. With A, I was sick pretty regularly. At least once every 6 weeks. I am now halfway through my pregnancy and have only had one cold. This is amazing, especially since A has been sick a few times and hasn't managed to pass it to me.
My next doctor's appointment is in 3 weeks. I am not looking forward to stepping on the scale. Darn scones.

All is well

Baby Bean Dip is measuring right on target. I guess my 9lb 2 oz son stretched my uterus out so much that it is just 2 weeks bigger than it should be. Who knows? I am just breathing a sigh of relief that the baby looks healthy and happy in there.
As for the sex...well, you can push me over with a feather. Its a girl! I am very surprised and a little scared. My sister has 2 girls and they are the drama queens of the century. Always getting their feelings hurt, crying all the time, and generally extremely touchy little people. A is such a rough and tumble kid, sensitive yes, but not disposed to drama in the least. I am not sure how I am going to deal with a girl child that is extremely girly or frilly...two things I am not. I didn't even know how to pluck my eyebrows until my sister held me down and made me do it in high school.
And please keep the name suggestions coming...I have no idea what we are going to name this little girl. Damn, my boy's name was so cool, too.

Doctor's Appt today

18 week appointment today. Baby Bean Dip's heart rate measured 166 bpm, which is normal. I met one of the new doctors to the practice and was less than impressed. As she was palpating my uterus she exclaims, "Wow, your uterus is all the way to your belly button! That is really big for an 18 weeker!" Me, stunned, says, "Well, could it be because this is my second child?" She gives me a blank look and says, "Uh, yeah, I guess so." And then continues on, business as usual.
What the fuck? Why would you say that to a pregnant woman? Or anyone in general? That would be like a doctor examining you and saying, "Holy shit, take a look at that gnarly mole! Those aren't supposed to look like that! Jesus, that is terrible!" Patient says, "Could it be cancer?" Doctor says, "Uh, yeah, I guess so. Now lets discuss why your hair isn't as shiny as it should be."
Of course Dr. Google has told me that having a bigger than expected uterus is caused by having too much amniotic fluid. Which is caused by various and sundry birth defects, most of which are incompatible with life outside the womb.
I am pissed at myself that I didn't ask more questions. I guess I just figure that if it was something to really worry about the doctor would handle it. But I really need to be more proactive in my health care and less trusting that something that should be noticed will be. I know I will be getting a detailed ultrasound in a week's time, which is probably what would happen if something were really wrong. But doctors shouldn't say shit like that to people and have it go unchecked. If I were really a dedicated person I would call the doctor back and make her explain what she said and ask her if something truly could be wrong.
But I won't.
I will just freak out until Tuesday and go from there.

Sometimes things go wrong

This is what everyone who is trying to conceive should be told. Because I don't think all of us realize that the responsibility of being a parent starts from the moment you get that positive pregnancy test. Suddenly, you are the keeper of a life that is not your own. Your educated guess may be called upon in a time of trouble to make a decision that will effect someone other than you. This burden falls on the shoulders of a small few, however, just like miscarriage fetal death is the dirty little secret of pregnancy that you don't hear about until it happens to you.
I have been reading the blog of a woman who has found out that her 20+ week fetus has a condition that is incompatible with life outside the womb. She and her partner are making the agonizing decision as to how to proceed.
I also read the blog of a woman who chose to terminate and was discussing how horrible it was to be walking into the hospital to end the pregnancy and feeling the baby kick her. I can't imagine what must've been going through her mind. At this point I can't even wrap my mind around it.
These decisions are not easy to make and fracture the reality of the person making them forever. Life must seem divided from that point on...the time before and the time after.
Why, then, don't we hear about these things more often?
Is it because doctors don't want to frighten pregnant women? Technically, most women will never even come close to having to make a decision like this. So I guess OBs are playing the odds that past a certain point a woman will be bringing a healthy baby home. Because most of the time that is what happens.
I personally don't like the idea of everything being fine until its not. I suppose this is why I want to know about what happens in the real world to real people. These women are not any different from me. One day I could be one of them. I would rather hear about the heartache and imagine the tragic what ifs than wake up one day and be blindsided. Maybe I am the only pregnant woman in the world who feels like this. But I just can't imagine that these women have suffered and lost for nothing.
Yes, this is a depressing post. But this is what I am thinking about nowadays as the day of the big ultrasound approaches. There are no guarantees in life.

Actually looking pregnant today

And yet, none of my old maternity clothes fit. I am not sure if this is because I started out weighing less this time, or because I puked more during the first trimester and actually lost weight. Whatever the case may be, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I only have 3 pairs of pants that fit, but they are the under the belly kind and I find them irritating at best. They seem to hit on the worst part of my belly...right where my uterus meets my intestines. Blah, this is turning into one big complaint blog. Unfortunately, that is how I am during pregnancy. Perpetually annoyed.
Something positive...my sense of smell seems to have diminished, which is refreshing. My house no longer smells like a morgue, my husband no longer smells like a corpse, and my son no longer smells like a urine factory.
I am having the worst time deciding on a name for this baby. Well, actually, to be more precise I am having a hard time deciding on a girl's name for this baby. The boy's name is already on lock down. I am feeling so strongly, though, that this baby is a girl that I fear I won't be able to use the wonderful boy's name I have picked out. Oh well, there is always postpartum gender reassignment. Or, I could get myself together and start seriously considering a girl's name. There are a couple that I like, but none that I really love.
I am looking for a name that is unique, but not hard to spell or pronounce. Nothing too popular or trendy. I am not a big fan of boy's names for girls. Nor do I like traditional names with strange spellings or "y"s and "i"s inserted in weird places.
So, if you have any suggestions I would love to hear them.

Braxton Hicks

I had my first recognizable Braxton hicks contraction yesterday morning. It felt so strange. I get this really weird breathless feeling when I get them. It is amazing to me how different this pregnancy is from A's. I didn't get any noticeable BHs until closer to 25 weeks. I am 10 weeks early this time.
I have been feeling so much this time. Its like my uterus has taken over my body. I feel it every time I move. Even when I am not moving it is still there, like a bowling ball in my gut. It is a strange feeling, especially so early on. I am kicking myself right now for not keeping a pregnancy journal with A's pregnancy. My memory of what happened 3 years ago is terrible.
The dreams I am having are still very vivid and very disturbing at times. I had a dream 2 nights ago that my mom died and my dad (who is divorced from my mom) was trying to steal my inheritance from me. Like physically steal it from me by breaking into my house and taking money from me. I spent the whole dream running around the house stashing cash in all the nooks and crannies. I even put some money in the cap of my deodorant.
I also had a full conversation with S last night when he came to bed and I don't remember any of it. He says I sat up in bed, commented on the commercial that was playing, and then had a minute long conversation with him. I then kissed him and rolled over and went to sleep. And honestly, none of that sounds familiar at all. I told him he should've used the time to find out some of my innermost secrets and he said he was tempted but was afraid I was going to wake up.
Well, my brain is about used up from typing this extremely long and complicated post. On to week 16!

Movement

There is definitely something alive inside me. This being has been giving me subtle little kicks or punches every now and then to remind me that he or she is in there. They are very gentle right now, but I know what is to come. A spent the last trimester of my pregnancy kicking the every living shit out of my right side. For some reason he hated it when I would lie on my right side at night and would wake me up kicking and punching me until I rolled over.
I would love to say that I am full of wonder and delight at feeling baby bean dip move, but honestly I find this part of pregnancy a little disturbing. Not only does the baby moving around feel really strange, but when you can see your stomach roiling around with all of its little twists and turns it gets really bizarre. I always have the vague feeling of the guy in Alien just before the alien pops out of his stomach. Something to look forward to, I guess.
I am still feeling nauseous on and off. Mostly I feel pretty good with the exception of being very tired. I am not sleeping well due to very strange dreams and not being able to get comfy. But, like I said in my last post, I don't expect this to get any better for the next 2 years.
I am going through some intense guilt lately about what A will have to deal with when his sibling is born. Sometimes I feel stupid for thinking I can handle two. Mostly I feel like this time with A is precious because I won't have him all to myself ever again. There is something special about spending quality one on one time with your only child. I feel like I should be taking advantage of the time we have left by doing some quality bonding. I hope when he is in therapy later he doesn't blame me (too much) for ruining his life by having another child.
My emotions seem to be getting the better of me lately as well. I feel like crying a lot. Probably because I feel guilty about everything lately. I also feel very intense love for my son and my husband, except when I am feeling annoyed with them which happens just as often and occasionally at the same time.